Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
