Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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