The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
