My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
