i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
