I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
