My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
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could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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