I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
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I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
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And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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