I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
