I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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