You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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