Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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