you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
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I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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