So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
