I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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