i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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