we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
