Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
