I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
