I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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