I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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