What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
