I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
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