dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
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