He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
