my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
