i don't like sucking hair
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
