I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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