after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
