she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
