Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
