Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
