Can i not drive my cunt home
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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