they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
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