the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
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I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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