Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
