I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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