i think my mom watched the whole time
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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