my phone needs a breathalizer
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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