My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
