trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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