I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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