I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
