No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
