Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
