sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
