Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
