dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
