I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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