It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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