are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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