If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
