I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
